I Don't Actually Want to Be Famous

I don't actually want to be famous. If I could magic myself into a remote castle with cats like Enya, y'all would never see me again. But she shared her gifts with the world and was rewarded. I'm coming from a hermit stage already. Failing repeatedly at working normal jobs in the public, I retreated, dove deeper into alcohol addiction. Luckily my husband has always been understanding and supportive of me or I would have never had the opportunity to stay at home and work on myself the way I have. Not only on my art and my style. I mean me. Really sitting with myself. I realized I used to drink not only to be comfortable around other people, but to be able to be in my own body, to be me. I was rewarded with my first pregnancy within months of sobriety. My body said okay, this is a safe place now, you can have your wish. And I stayed home raising her. I saw this was an opportunity to make a career from home. So I looked at what I'm good at and just started making things. For a few years this was okay. But nothing came of it. I sold nothing. Eventually I went back and looked at everything I had made and had to reevaluate. I was running out of time. In a deep flow state of just being totally unsure and cutting up my old art, the original four portraits were born. I realized my “style” isnt just collage. It's the combination of failed paintings alchemized into something new. Something made with the intention of healing. So now I have the art, now what? No one tells you the side of building an art career that is wearing infinite hats. I'm marketing myself, putting myself out there…to the world? I can hardly handle being recognized at the grocery store.

Can someone who's baseline is nervous nancy even speak on healing? Does that make me experienced or hypocritical? I guess if there's even a small chance my experience could help someone else that would make it worth it.

But would I even be doing this if I didn't need the money? The “what would you do if you already made it, or it was guaranteed to be a success?” And I think yeah, I'd probably be doing exactly this. (Possibly anonymously) I guess if everyone is allowed to have a business and make money, I would want my name associated with a business that helps people and helps our earth. 

I know that I'm not done healing. I know that I still avoid people like the plague and hermit myself away. I can now at least acknowledge that it's me I'm afraid of, not them. How I act around them and how I'll replay that for days after the encounter. I think if my stepping out into the world is delicate and intentional I can successfully get over my social anxiety. The need for freedom and independence outweighs the worry of failure. My desire to see the world has officially surpassed my fear of the public. I've forgiven myself of my wrongs and cut the ties of guilt and peeled off the slimy layer of shame. I'm done punishing myself. 

So no, I don't want to be famous. I just want to be self-sustainable as myself. Building a legacy for my girls doesn't have to mean millions. I don't think the ones who are monetarily rich will be the ones reshaping this new world. I think it will be people who have had to rebuild themselves from the inside out. The ones who found richness in themselves. That's why I make art about calm. Not because I've arrived there. Because I know what it costs to find your way back.